Moving forward after losing a loved one
/A guide to bereavement and reintegrating into work and daily life after the loss of a loved one.
The morning I returned from holiday vacation, my father texted me to let me know he wanted to come by to deliver something to me. Nothing could have prepared me for the news he delivered: The day before, my only sister and aunt to my son, had lost her battle with depression and taken her own life. I have never in my life experienced emotions this violent all at once - pain, shock, desperation, disbelief, grief. I couldn’t control my body from violently shaking and screaming out in anguish, and kept thinking I would suddenly wake up from this nightmare. The following days were consumed with sharing the tragic news with friends, family, and work, grieving and feeling waves of regret and “what could I have done…”, paying tribute to my sister by preserving every memory I had of her, and nights laying awake thinking about her final days, weeks, year, reliving every last encounter, text, and instagram post as though they would bring her back.
While nothing will every bring my sister back, I have made it my mission to be more empathetic, aware and understanding and to educate others to do the same. Mental illness causes 90% of all suicides and it’s helpful to learn more about it and be empathetic of those who have experienced it themselves or through loved ones. I have also realized that if there’s an opportunity to be kind to someone, to take a minute and help someone out or just listen, I will always take that opportunity. We need more of that in the world and I encourage you do join me in this mission. It's so important to make the time to spend time with those you care about, and to share the things you love about them openly. It can make a difference in their life and certainly theirs, and maybe some day save one.
Slowly, I’ve started re-entering the routines of everyday life: grocery shopping, swim class with my toddler, and returning to work. I am so grateful to my incredibly supportive network of friends and family and to my job for allowing me the bereavement time I needed. Below I share my experience and advice with others who may be going through a similar experience in hopes of raising awareness and understanding.
Taking time off to grieve and process your loss
When processing grief like that of a suicide survivor, it’s important to give yourself ample time and space, maybe even more time than you think you may need to return to work. Ideally, you should return to work only when you feel able to cope, and you may also want to consider the possibility of working part-time for a period. Having experienced an intense state of shock and grief, you may initially have trouble with with sleeping, concentration, or even holding a conversation. I found that the first week after my sister’s death, I could hardly communicate in coherent sentences, and could barely bring myself to do the things that I was accustomed to doing so effortlessly. If you experience a short-term loss of efficiency and performance, be kind to yourself, and take things at your own pace. Just like you wouldn’t expect someone to come back from maternity leave at 100% capacity, a suicide survivor may also need weeks to return to their former state of functioning. Employers and colleagues should be aware and mindful of setting realistic expectations so as not to create extra stress, and understand that grief is unpredictable and can reappear erratically from time to time for months following the incident.
While you’re on bereavement leave
When processing grief like that of a suicide survivor, it’s important to give yourself ample time and space, maybe even more time than you think you may need to return to work. Ideally, you should return to work only when you feel able to cope, and you may also want to consider the possibility of working part-time for a period. Having experienced an intense state of shock and grief, you may initially have trouble with with sleeping, concentration, or even holding a conversation. I found that the first week after my sister’s death, I could hardly communicate in coherent sentences, and could barely bring myself to do the things that I was accustomed to doing so effortlessly. If you experience a short-term loss of efficiency and performance, be kind to yourself, and take things at your own pace. Just like you wouldn’t expect someone to come back from maternity leave at 100% capacity, a suicide survivor may also need weeks to return to their former state of functioning. Employers and colleagues should be aware and mindful of setting realistic expectations so as not to create extra stress, and understand that grief is unpredictable and can reappear erratically from time to time for months following the incident.
How to support a suicide survivor
Each person grieves at their own pace and isn’t always confined to non-working hours, so compassion, encouragement and understanding are key during the reintegration phase. If you manage a person dealing with bereavement loss, try asking how their grief is affecting them, what they would like their colleagues to be told in relation to the death, and how they feel they could best be supported at this time. You could also check in via an in-person lunch or coffee a couple of days before they return to work to allow them to share the details in private and discuss concerns about not knowing what to do or say when their colleagues inquire once back at work.
Mental health, suicide and bereavement are all good topics for employers to discuss with employees in addition to counseling options, especially if offered through employment. If an employee needs to leave work to attend a counseling sessions, this should be supported.
How to approach “I’m so sorry” comments
Seeing co-workers for the first time exposes you comments like "I'm so sorry" which can open up the healing wound. As difficult as these expressions of sympathy may be to hear, they can be better than no acknowledgement at all. There is no need to discuss anything you aren’t comfortable sharing, and a simple "thank you" is a perfectly fine response. While you may worry about getting emotional or breaking down in front of colleagues, rest assured that many people will understand if they know what has occurred in your life and excusing yourself it totally acceptable. It might be helpful to share as much information as you are comfortable sharing with your work colleagues before you return to work and if you find people ask too many questions, you can share that you aren’t ready to go into it right now. You might find it helpful as well to keep your manager or one trusted colleague informed of key details and they can help message your boundaries to others.
I'm finding that recovering from the suicide of a loved one is an ongoing process that is likely unique for each individual survivor. Getting back into a routine and finding purpose through work, hobbies, giving back and social engagements can be an important step in the journey towards healing.
